


chefclub continues their crimes against humanity

by candy



Category: One Piece
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Extortion, M/M, i mean ig as much as pirates can be domestic, sanji almost has a stroke, zoro burns things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:34:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27563101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/candy/pseuds/candy
Summary: Prompt (from OTP prompt generator): zoro can't cook to save their life, but on sanji's birthday they cook their favorite meal and it's horrible, but sanji eats it anyways and pretends it's delicious.
Relationships: Roronoa Zoro/Vinsmoke Sanji
Comments: 7
Kudos: 57





	chefclub continues their crimes against humanity

**Author's Note:**

> guess who wrote this a day before zoro's birthday and didn't realize it until later?
> 
> thanks to OTP prompt generator for the assist: https://prompts.neocities.org/

Zoro’s pasta was on fire. 

Nami tells him this as she’s casually flipping through a book called _Mapping the North Blue_. She doesn’t even look up, she’s almost yawning.

Zoro quickly throws a lid on the pan with a loud “crunch” and frantically turns off the stovetop. He flips on the ventilation and backs away to see the oxygen deprivation kill the flames. Then, he leans on the back of the bar he slides down to the floor to take several deep breaths.

Nami leans over the top of the counter and looks down on the baffled swordsman with the smuggest look on her face. “Are you doing ok?”

He absolutely wanted to wipe that smirk off her face. He bounces back up and clenches his jaw. She leans back in her seat, with the widest grin. Zoro tries to open his mouth to say something but nothing comes out. He ends up aggressively poking the top of the counter, lip bit and face completely red.

The navigator leans her left arm and continued to smile. “If you’re hungry, why don’t you just wait for Sanji to come back and cook for you?”

“Because I want to cook for him!” Zoro snaps, waving his arms around, looking uncomfortable. He can’t even make eye contact with her.

Nami sits straight up, looking rightly confused. Zoro was cooking for Sanji? What kind of bizarro world did she wake up in today? “Why do you want to cook for the cook?” she asks curiously.

Zoro smacks his forehead and leaves his hand covering his face. He says something quiet, muffled by his palm. “I can’t hear you, just speak like a normal person.” She complains. He removes his hand from his face and narrows his eyebrows. He looks nauseous and shaky. “I wanted to do something nice, it’s his birthday.”

Well. That might have broken Nami’s brain twofold. First, Zoro doing something _nice_ for Sanji. Second, today was Sanji’s birthday. What the hell was happening? She stood up from her seat and placed both hands on the top of the bar. “Today’s his birthday? How do you know?” she asked.

The question of Sanji’s birthday rarely crossed the navigator’s mind. It’s not as if Sanji ever wanted to talk about it. She remembers Robin asking for his birthday a couple of months ago to read his chart, he deflected, pointed to her, and asked Robin to read her chart instead since he was interested in his “compatibility with a Cancer.” Dumbass.

Zoro pointed to the fridge. “It’s the code on the fridge door. It’s his birthday.”

That raises even more questions for the navigator. “The door code is-“ She looks around, grabs a napkin from the end of the bar, scribbles down “7326”, and passes it to Zoro. She couldn’t trust that Luffy might be poking around, using his Observation Haki. It’s one thing she’d hide from the captain, for all their livelihoods (and her wallet.)

“7326” was her and Robin’s birthdays. They were the only people on the boat Sanji trusted with the code and as a part of their preferential treatment. However, most of the boys cracked it at some point. But easy passwords aside, what did this have to do with his birthday?

Zoro held up the napkin and pointed to the two middle numbers “It’s your birthdays and his. The three people who are supposed know the code.”

Nami stands up straight and crosses her arms. “How do you know that?” she asked. Zoro starts ripping up the napkin and shaking his head. “Because he’s the kind of guy who would do something that lame. A math nerd.”

It takes Nami a second, but she realizes that Zoro had a good hunch. Not to mention, Robin said that he was “a basic Pisces male” based on what she knew about him. That would align with a March birthday.

This leads to her next question “Why doesn’t he talk about his birthday?” Sanji’s been going off about Franky’s birthday all week. Not to mention his plans for Usopp, Jimbei, and Brook’s birthdays next month. Party planning is something he loved to do, so why didn’t his birthday matter?

The swordsman shrugged. “I don’t know, and I don’t care. I do know that it’s today and I want to do something nice for him.”

This was typical, straightforward _Zoroness_. That’s not what’s throwing Nami off, it begs the first question. Why did Zoro want to do something nice for Sanji?

These two have been dating for a little while. _Allegedly_. Nothing surface level has changed about their relationship. They’re still fighting like cats and dogs, Sanji still showers her and other women with affection that should make Zoro jealous. Were they just convenient? She knew Zoro was gay almost the moment they met, but she didn’t know Sanji was bi until they both acknowledged that they had a very casual thing going on.

Was it working? Nami could almost laugh again. “You're trying to do something nice for your boy-“

Zoro cleared his throat and cut her off. “Boyfriend? Yes.” He was turning bright red again and Nami could almost see the steam pouring out of his ears. The swordsman is the total opposite of Sanji when it came to romance. Affection? Grand gestures of love? Not his thing, he looked like he wanted to lay on the floor and die of embarrassment.

Things were going well for them. That’s good to hear.

Zoro pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to find the right words. He takes a deep breath. “I dunno, he’s always cooking for us, I bet I could do it better than him.”

Obvious lie. Nami starts giggling. She was going to milk this. “Aww, you want to cook for you boyfri-“

“Stop.”

“Boyfri-“

“Say it again and I will cu-“

“Boyfriend.”

Zoro stomps his foot on the floor because _he is a child_. “Shut up!” he yells while Nami is bursting out laughing. Why was he such an asshole? She couldn’t take just teasing him anymore, she walked around the counter into the kitchen and made her way over to the stove. “Okay, _Master Chef_. If you want to top Sanji, you need to put water in the pot.” She tells him, grabbing the pot and dumping the burnt pieces of spaghetti into the garbage. “Let it boil, then pour the pasta in.”

The swordsman was practically pouting “I don’t need your help.” He muttered.

Nami kept laughing. “Actually, you do.” She got in close to his face with a smirk. “Imagine the kind of shit you would be in if you burnt down his kitchen, his pride and joy, on _his birthday_.”

Zoro audibly gulped and narrowed his eyes. “How much is this going to cost-“

“2500 berries with interest.” She interrupted him, having calculated the total amount about a second before she walked behind the counter. She smacked his shoulders with a smile. “I’ll fry the shrimp; you get the water boiling for the pasta.”

Hey, if she could make a couple of berries off this why not help Zoro do something nice for _his boyfriend_?

**

Sanji kicks open the door to the kitchen about half an hour later holding groceries in his arms. “Hey Mosshead, I need some help putting these away, you aren’t sleeping, are you?” He yells, looking around the room before his eyes land on the swordsman and _Nami_ crowded around the counter.

He almost drops the bags when he sees her. He is so excited to put away these damn groceries so he can whip up something fabulous for her. Maybe he could get a head start and make that shitty bastard do all the heavy lifting. Call it a work-out.

He places the food on the table and almost spins over to the bar. “Nami, you won’t believe what they had on sale at the store today-“He begins to say before he cuts himself off, noticing a smell from his kitchen.

A burnt smell.

Nami and Zoro look up at him. “Oh Sanji, welcome back!” She says with her sweetest smile, a little toothy grin, and a head tilt. She was so fucking cute; she was so fucking adorable.

And then this shithead beside her looked at him, narrowed his eyes, and snorted. This was the opposite of cute and instantly threw Sanji out of his good mood. Why did he have to be here with his precious Nami huh? Distracting her from her book probably.

He wanted to kick his stupid jaw in. But he was too distracted by the weird scents from his kitchen.

“Hey Nami, you don’t suppose anyone was in the kitchen while I was away?” Asking politely, knowing later he would need to hunt down that dipshit who decided to burn food on his stovetop. Nami didn’t need to see that side of him.

“That was us.” She said, pointing to her and Zoro. “We were making something in the kitchen together.”

Oh, well. Nami could use the kitchen whenever. She was a fucking excellent cook and Sanji trusted her with everything. But Mosshead? The man could barely make sashimi. He uses his shitty, greasy swords to slice the fish. It was horribly unhygienic and it makes him gag whenever he thought about it.

However, he was confused. He assumed that shitty bastard burnt something, Nami swooped in (like the angel she is), and saved the fucking day. But why continue to cook after that? He felt slightly uncomfortable now. “What did you make?” he asks suspiciously.

“Here.” Zoro pushes a plate in front of him and sets down a fork. Spaghetti with _fra diavolo_ sauce and shrimp. “We made spicy seafood pasta. Happy birthday, idiot.” The swordsman was having trouble keeping eye contact with him and looked sweaty and gross.

But Sanji didn’t notice that. His birthday? Today was his birthday? How did this shitty bastard know his birthday? He tries to lean over Zoro’s shoulder to read the calendar posted on the fridge, but he has trouble reading it even with his glasses on and looked back over to the plate in front of him. He guesses it's March 2nd since there’s only one day crossed off on the calendar. Huh? Howaboutthat? _Mosshead remembered his damn birthday while he completely forgot_.

There had to be a fuckin’ catch here, what was he trying to accomplish with this? It probably wasn’t poisonous because Nami was here. The food looked and smelled fine. Was he going to take the food away and eat it in front of him? Maybe throw the stupid plate in this face and watch it fall off while laughing? There’s no good reason for this.

Sanji’s mind was short-circuiting. He could only sputter out a “fucking why?” as his brain tried to process exactly what was happening.

Zoro backed away from the bar and shrugged his shoulders. “I wanted to prove I could-“he begins to say before backtracking, clearing his throat, and starting over. “You’re always cooking for us, this time I wanted to cook for you.”

Something is wrong. This must be a prank. A Hallucination. Was he overthinking this?

Then, Nami interrupts his thoughts.

“Are you going to stand there? Or are you going to try it?” She asks, crossing her arms. Clearly annoyed at all the time being wasted.

No, she’s fucking right _as always_.

Sanji stops thinking, he takes the fork and rolls a bit of pasta onto it, and brings it to his mouth.

Ok.

He goes in for a second bite, this time picking up some shrimp.

…

Nami slams her hands down on the table. “What do you think?” She asks with a smile, while the caveman beside her just narrows his eyes and grunts.

_It’s._

The noodles were clearly from a box and overcooked. The sauce should be spicier, but the shrimp was fucking perfect, and he could only assume Nami had a hand in the latter two. By no means was this a restaurant-quality dish, but that’s not the point.

It went back to that adage that food from a professional chef might be (technically) better, nothing beats homemade. Zeff would remind him that “You can’t compete with someone’s old lady, that’s just setting yourself up for failure.” But he didn’t quite get what the shitty geezer meant by that until he saw Vivi eat Terracotta’s _molokheya_ and her face light up at eating the version of the dish she was the most familiar with.

He didn’t feel it until he found himself missing the old man’s _fra diavolo_ one day out of fucking nowhere.

It’s not good, but it’s not bad either. At least it’s edible, made with good intentions, possibly love.

Sanji sets the fork down and turns to Nami. “I like it, thank you.”

Nami shrugged. “I was just paid to assist, thank him. It was all his idea.” And points to Zoro, who looked so bashful at the recognition.

Hmph. That shitty bastard was really stressed out. Completely bothered by the mere thought of doing a nice thing for him. It was amusing, but Sanji was going to keep that to himself.

And the swordsman did do a nice thing. He also remembered his birthday. A low bar but considering he didn’t even remember himself; He’ll concede. Sanji walks around the corner of the counter and pulls the swordsman into a hug, resting his head on his shoulder. “Thank you for remembering, thank you for cooking.” _I love you_. 

“Sure, sure,” Zoro mumbles into his ear, hugging him tighter. _I love you too._

Sanji lets go of him and picks up his plate. “I’m gonna finish this,” he says walking over to the table “Put away my groceries while I do.”

Zoro’s face goes completely dumb from the whiplash. “Why should I put away your groceries? I don’t know the fridge code!”

The cook swallows and holds up a finger. “Counterpoint: you do know the door code like the rest of the guys, except Luffy.” He twirls up another forkful of spaghetti “And it’s my fuckin’ birthday, apparently, so you should do what I tell you.” He was just being obnoxious now, but it was worth seeing this asshole flip his shit and to hear Nami’s adorable laugh.

To think that Zoro did this for him, maybe he did deserve him after all.

**

Sanji slides a cup of spiced tea and 2700 berries across the counter to Nami. “Is that what he owes you?” the cook asks, lighting a cigarette.

It was exactly the amount. Damn, she was really hoping she would get more out of this little venture. She takes the cash and pockets it. “I dunno, is today your actual birthday, or are you messing with him?”

He takes a second to answer. “Yeah, you know the door code.”

Seriously, what was up with that door code? “You’ve been pretty quiet about it.” She wasn’t prying for answers, but it did seem sad that Sanji didn’t bother with his birthday.

He grins, flicking ash into the tray in front of him. “Well, when you share it with three other people, it’s not really that fucking special is it?”

Nami almost chokes on her tea. _Three other people_. “Oh god, your poor mother.” She blurts out unintentionally, and the cook could only laugh.

**Author's Note:**

> ayyyye i guess the summary was a bit misleading because sanji doesn't actually think the dish is horrible!
> 
> anyway, i wanted to explore sanji and zoro's minds a bit. they both live rent free in each other's brains so it's fun to write about the little details they might realize about each other that isn't picked up by the rest of the crew.
> 
> i have no idea how spaghetti burns, nor do i know how to put out stovetop fires. i took a guess after spending five minutes googling it. sorry for any inaccuracies, but you should not be reading fanfic for fire safety tips.
> 
> also, i stole the title from the name of a reddit thread about chefclub videos. would highly recommend that channel if you have a bile fascination with awful viral videos.
> 
> leave a comment if u want, very appreciated.


End file.
